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| © Matt Rourke/AP Photo |
Soooooo yesterday at dinner the CRAZIEST THING happened to me. I was sitting enjoying some Chinese food (delicious may I add) and this guy stands next to me. It was only 2 of us sitting at a 4 person table just chatting like we have not seen each other in years. Anyways I digress, so this guy is standing next to me and something (I have now dubbed it my SUPERHERO sense) told me to watch him. My phone was sitting in the chair but I just didn’t feel right.
Okay, there’s your first mistake. Who leaves a phone on a chair? That’s like an invitation to forget it and then have someone find it, crack the password and then blackmail you like that one time Samir from Office Space did it to Liz Lemon.
He was there too long. “Is he a customer?” I thought “Is he waiting on the bathroom?” nonetheless I tried to shake his this eerie feeling. However, I kept watching him from the corner of my eye. Than when least expected low and behold this common petty thief grabbed my phone and swiftly left.
Well, I’m going to not go as “low” in beholding him as a common, petty thief. So far, he seems like a tremendous thief. SO FAR. He scouted his mark, he grabbed the phone and, for a brief moment, he got away.
I looked at the chair, than shouted “Omg that dude took my phone!!”
This is where it goes south for our thief. Also, please tell me Serena actually said “OMG” while realizing the gravity of the situation. If she loses her phone at the end of this story and someone get her saying OMG on camera, I’ll buy Serena a new phone.
Not thinking I reacted (hence the superwoman photo) I jumped up, weaved my way in and out of the cozy restaurant (leaping over a chair or two) and chased him down. He began to run but I was too fast. (Those sprints came in handy) I was upon him in a flash!
But this is where he turns into not a common, petty thief, but a moron. How are you going to outrun Serena Williams? Unless you’re Usain Bolt, you’re not getting away. And where are they running all over this Chinese restaurant anyway? How big is it? And remember when “stealing a phone” in a Chinese restaurant meant something different entirely?
In the most menacing yet calm no nonsense voice I could muster I kindly asked him if he “accidentally” took the wrong phone.
If you’ve ever heard Serena answer a stupid question from the press (or one she deems stupid), you can close your eyes and hear her saying this.
He stumbled on his words probably not expecting this to happen. While he was thinking of the right thing to say and eventually he said “Gosh you know what I did! It was so confusing in there. I must have grabbed the wrong phone.”Meanwhile My phone was ringing, my superhero sidekick quailman was face timing me so he could not possibly deny the allegations. I swiftly thanked him and left.
Wait, who was FaceTiming her? Was it Drake? Or Venus? Or Caroline Wozniacki? And why couldn’t this thief have Drake in his phone. Maybe they went to Degrassi together! Quailman, according to Wikipedia, is the name of Doug’s alter ego from the animated show Doug. He’s basically the same as Doug, but has a Q on his chest. Given Serena’s love of alter egos maybe she was calling, gasp, herself?! And who was she eating dinner with? This is why Serena is so maddening. She’s finally giving us a good story about her personal life and can’t even drop the one piece of info people care about.
Superhero? Maybe? Or HELL YEA!! I’ve got the speed the jumps, the power, the body, the seduction, the sex appeal, the strength, the leadership and yet the calm to weather the storm.
That sounds like a line from Uma Thurman’s failed Fox Force Five pilot from Pulp Fiction. No one needed a reminder that you are a badass, Serena, especially when it comes in the form of chasing down some thieving chucklehead.
Always listen to your superhero inner voice. Always keep your things close! Fight for what’s right. Stand for what you believe in! Be a superhero!
If what you believe in is that your phone shouldn’t be stolen by some moron, then fight for your right to not have that happen!
When I got back into the restaurant I received a standing ovation. I was proud. I just showed every man in there I can stand up to bully’s and other men. It was a win for the ladies!
I guarantee you every man and woman in there had no doubt about that. You are the greatest female athlete in the world which, therefore, makes you a better athlete than — and this is a low estimate — 99.5% of men. Serena, while this is cool, you’ve had plenty of bigger wins for “the ladies. Getting the best of a bully is like the 800th most impressive thing you’ve done.
Just because you are a lady don’t be afraid to step up to any challenge and not be a victim but a hero! SuperSerena and her sidekick quailman
Also, this dude totally didn’t want to steal Serena’s phone in the way that he’d want to steal my phone or your phone. Chances are it was a paparazzo or someone with connections at TMZ who wanted to see if they could finally confirm the Drake-Serena rumors. Or the Reddit guy-Serena rumors. Or all the Serena rumors, I don’t know. Maybe start with “who’s Quailman?”
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