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Anything but that.
There are tons of film versions of the classic love tale, but the truth of it is that Shakespeare's play is not actually the best Valentine's Day fodder.
Here's a look at why the tale is not necessarily as romantic as it seems:
Romeo is really fickle
First he's in love with Rosaline and then like five minutes later, he's head over heels for Juliet.
"The entire first act, Shakespeare had the bright idea of having Romeo in love with someone else — Rosaline," said Gary Schmidgall a professor at CUNY Hunter College. Then, suddenly, the object of his affection switches and he's all about Juliet.
This is kind of typical teenage behavior, but it's not what one would typically envision when imagining a great love story.
Would Romeo have stayed true to Juliet? Romantics would say yes, but the reality is that he’s probably a teenager and — had he lived — might have just changed his mind again anyway.
Juliet is only 13
Juliet is "not 14," according to text, which means she's 13. She's decidedly not that age in modern filmic takes on the play — because by modern standards that would be really creepy.
Although it might be easy to chalk up Juliet's extreme youth to the strange mores of Elizabethan times, Rutgers University English Prof. Chris Fitter told the Daily News the character's youth would have still raised eyebrows in the 1590s when it debuted.
"Most women got married between 18 and 25 in Elizabethan England. You might get engaged at 6 or 7 but you wouldn't get married till at least 16," he said.
We don't know Romeo's exact age, but it's likely he's old enough that the relationship would not be legal in some states today.
"One would guess he's somewhere around 16 to 18," Fitter said.
They're kind of boring as lovers — even Shakespeare thought so
"I think Shakespeare was a little bored with his two lovers because he was so easily distracted by other things in the story," said Gary Schmidgall, a professor at CUNY Hunter College. Fundamentally, they're young teens in love, which is not necessarily all that exciting.
Schmidgall noted that the play has a lot of comedic scenes, almost as if the Bard just can't stay interested in the story of Romeo and Juliet themselves.
"It was maybe a situation where he invented characters like Mercutio and the nurse who are actually comedic characters," he said. Neither of those characters are in the source material the play is based on, so they were Shakespeare's creations — added to make the play more interesting.
People are starving while the rich are feasting
The Montagues and Capulets are constantly feasting in the play — but in the real world, Englanders were dying every day during an epically bad famine.
"There was massive starvation, unprecedented levels of taxation and there was a war that called off 200,000 and on top of that was the Black Death," Fitter said.
From 1594 to 1597, crops failed and there was a horrible famine. The upper classes were still banqueting — but the commoners were dying. Right in the middle of all that, Shakespeare released "Romeo and Juliet" around 1595 or 1596.
The feasts in the play aren't intended to tease or goad the commoners, though.
"What Shakespeare is doing is writing plays for commoners and expressing the angers of commoners," Fitter said.
Romeo is kind of a jerk
"He's a sneering, well-fed patrician," said Fitter.
Specifically, Romeo sneers at the lower classes. Toward the end of the play, when he's trying to procure some poison, Romeo heads to the apothecary.
The apothecary is reluctant to hand over the goods because it's against the law and punishable by death.
Romeo doesn't care. In fact, he browbeats the apothecary into doing it only by harassing him, teasing him for being poor and telling him his life basically sucks anyway.
"Then Romeo betrays him by writing a letter to his father saying, 'I got this letter illegally from an apothecary in Mantua,’" Fitter said. "It's quite possible that the apothecary will be hanged."
What a d---.
Romeo is also a little creepy
When the young lovers meet, Romeo is party-crashing in disguise, to meet a 13-year-old.
Romeo is a Montague, so he's definitely not welcome at the Capulet's party at the end of Act 1. Nonetheless, he sneaks in and that's how he first meets his beloved.
Basically, he’s a total creeper.
Also, it's a little bit creepy to hang out in the bushes outside your crush's house, which is exactly what Romeo is doing just before Juliet gives her famous balcony love speech.
They just like causing trouble
In some sense, the play isn't really about love so much as it is about kids confusing love with trouble.
"They misunderstand trouble as love," explained Cornell University faculty member Stuart Davis.
By way of an explanation, Davis cited a Robbie Robertson song titled "The Well."
"Guy follows a lady home, and she asks, 'Are you lookin for trouble or lookin for love, love, love?'" Davis said.
"The question is the one Romeo and Juliet should have asked each other. The answer, unfortunately, is the one they picked."
They both die
Although it’s sweet that they’re willing to die for each other, fundamentally double suicide is not romantic.
It sort of sends the wrong message on Valentine’s Day.
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